This is Me

So I've been told to blog for quite a while now since I apparently am an "interesting writer" but I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and attempt to think of things that would continue to make people believe that I could be interesting. I don't know why all of the sudden today seemed like a good day to start blogging...but it did, so here we go. Basically the last few months have been pretty hectic, between starting school at UVU, TRYING desperately to find a stupid job, and trying to keep myself alive... yep I'm pretty sure hectic is a good word lol. I did finally find a job and I LOVE IT!!!!!!! Who knew that I...Samantha Alice Papasian, would enjoy working. Go figure. I don't know why i love it so much but its really quite enjoyable. Maybe its because I get to do what I love most which would be...you guessed it...talking lol. Or maybe its because the girls that I work with are hilarious and extremely genuine, caring, and fun people. Or maybe it is because I get to watch people go about their lives and I get to feel like maybe I'm not the only one that doesn't know which direction to go in or how to continue on when you have no hope or faith that things will get better. You'd be surprised at how much people let their guard down and forget to hide their true colors when shopping. It is a little bit therapeutic for me though because, like I said before, I don't feel alone. I feel like the insecurities that I have are finally justified. I feel like the pain that I go through day to day isn't as bad because its normal, everybody feels some sort of pain. I feel like I can't complain anymore because there are people out there who are experiencing things 10 times worse than i could ever even imagine. I feel...normal. Of course life still sucks at times but it makes me feel like I'm not an outsider anymore. For the last 19 years of my life I've tried to fit in and was incredibly good at doing it. I played sports so I could be a jock, I sang so I could fit in with the artsy kids, I pretended like life didn't matter so I could hang out with my emo friends, I acted like I was pissed of at anything and everything and listen to loud angry music so I could hang out with the hard-assed kids, I had the beginnings of anorexia which later turned into bulimia (which I still am fighting) so that I could be looked at by men and be wanted, I bought expensive purses and jeans so I could be classified as a Bellevue bitch, I was in EVERY clique that ever existed in my high school and yet I didn't really have "good" friends because I was putting on this front and I never truly let anyone into my world. I'm slowly trying to change this. I learned that I have/had an issue with trusting people. I didn't understand that for a really long time though because I always felt like I was a very welcoming and open person...which i am, BUT that's another front, I do that so people will trust me so I can be close to them, but the second they get too close to me, I back off, I get scared, and I run away. I don't know why or where I learned to do this, but I did. It's a great defense mechanism but in the long run, its not really doing me any good. I've changed a lot since I moved out on my own though. I've had to become my own person and people have had to learn to like me for me, which surprisingly has attracted a lot more people into my life than when I was pretending. THIS IS THE REAL ME. I am a 19 year old girl that has just about the sweetest spirit that you could possibly find. I will do anything for YOU no matter who you are. If you need help I am the person that will be there. I thrive off of the happiness and welfare of others. I can guarantee that I care more about you than I do for myself. I am by no means naive but I'm also very innocent which for a long time I tried to hide, but it got me into trouble one night. It scared me to death to know that I had become the kind of girl that I NEVER wanted to be. I was weak and couldn't stand up for myself and gave in all because I wanted to be accepted and approved of. I should have been PROUD to say that I was innocent and was a "good" girl, not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed anymore, I'm not as innocent as I was but the rest of the innocence that still remains, I'm holding on to. I guess my point is to be proud of who YOU are and to stand your ground, keep your standards high, and DON'T give in. Its NOT worth it. I can finally say that I am proud of who I am, the kind, caring, loving, nurturing, creative, intelligent, fun, funny, strong willed, trustworthy, and honest girl that I am. This is who I am, take it or leave it.