Seriously....I suck at blogging lol

So pretty much my title explains it all. I do, in fact, suck at blogging. I guess its a good thing though because I've actually been out living my life rather than writing about the things that I am waiting to have become a part of my future. BUT, here I am. Funny story actuallyas to how I got here. I had a pretty big day today so I'm still a little pumped up and I couldn't fall asleep so I started looking things up on youtube...awesome right??? lol I somehow came across a video of my high school graduation. Slightly nostalgic but mostly just weird. Anyway I then decided to google myself to see how important I am in internet world. Apparently I'm a hot commodity lol. No not really, but facebook has so graciously decided to give out a ton of my information to a bunch of random websites which makes my name appear a dozen or so times on google. In that, there were some things about a reflections contest I won back in middle school and some other contest-y type things AND then....my blog :) So I clicked on my blog link, thinking to myself, wow I'm adorable and my blog is even more adorable...duh ;) AND THEN I started reading my last blog. Bad idea, I wanted to throw up. Its deleted now so my whopping 5 people that read this hopefully wont even know what I'm talking about. But seriously, it was terrible. I was talking about being in love.....which I'm honestly not even sure if I was and whoever I was writing about (I know who I was talking about obviously but I'm doing my VERY best to forget this disgusting person) was NOT the person I thought he was. Its funny how many things someone can lie to you about in a long distance relationship lol. Honestly though as much I hate the things I've done and the experiences I've had ( particularly those I have dated) in the 2 years prior to about the end of May lol I FINALLY have decided to let it all go. Even reading my first blog I posted, I'm a completely different person than I was...which is good because I'm now 22 and I was only 20 back then. Reading things that you have written especially at pretty pivotal moments in your life gives you an awesome perspective on yourself, shocking no doubt, but really truly eye opening. Even though I repeatedly was saying that I didn't care who people wanted me to be I was going to finally just embrace myself and blah blah blah whatever. I STILL was trying to be something else. I was angry in that blog, which, given what was going on makes total sense, but I was still just trying to tell everyone I was ok rather than just being ok or figuring out how to be ok and working toward that. I can TRUTHFULLY say that NOW....I'm ok. I'm not dying (I don't think I was then...but I said I was trying not to die lol), I'm not dating horrible men, I'm not hanging out with low lifes, I'm doing what I want to do. But not necessarily the things that I just want in the moment. If that were the case I'd probably be in Hawaii right now with more tattoos than can fit on my body....NOT because thats really what I want to look like....I just like tattoos for some odd reason...and Hawaii, which probably won't go a way lol. Its ok though, I've found really good temporary ones lol. BUT I'm really back at church...like REALLY. I'm not just going through the motions of it, I'm actually doing it again and I am SO much happier. Like INFINITELY happier, I can't even really describe it. My family and I have a good relationship again. They aren't sitting there shaking their heads at me wondering where the heck my brain decided to go and I'm not sitting there wondering the same thing. I moved to Spokane with my mom and Dylan and it's honestly the best decision I've made since graduation. My ward is incredible, our house is beautiful, my sister is 5 minutes away from me, AND I'm coaching volleyball...at Dylan's high school, which is like a block away. Seriously, I think this (beside doing research and developement for skin care and cosmetics) my dream job. I love my girls, I get to play volleyball every day, I'm honestly doing what I do best....telling people what to do and motivating them to do better. Its seriously perfect for me lol. I get to be on a little bit of a power trip, but a good one, not a bad one. Really I think its just the fact that I get to help people and watch them improve. Its a job that I love going to every day. I would do it for free to be quite honest, but I get paid...and I'm making bank!!! Needless to say, everything is really good, its still hard obviously, and scary sometimes, but overall I'm happier than I ever have been. I finally feel like the things I'm doing, first of all, are positive things, but even more than that, they are encouraging me to grow. On top of that, I'm doing them because I WANT to. A few months back, when I would go to church or tell my mom that I wanted to get married in the temple and have an eternal life with my family...it sounded great, but I still was open to the idea of kind of being a wild child. I think I've found other ways of expressing that side of me which are a lot less damaging. But I've found those other ways because I have finally realized how much I was hurting myself. I finally want good and wholesome things to be in my life. I want to be happy and I know exactly how to get there and I'm doing it!!! Well really, I've already done it, but I'm continuing to do it. FYI eventually I'm going to have a blog that focuses on other things, mainly hair and makeup, but for now, I need to have a journal lol. Writing lyrics only gets so much emotion out. Blogging makes up for the rest. That being said, I think I'm done for the night. I'll save other juicy details for another blog later....that way I'll actually do it lol. I've got to figure out how to get this more public...later, when its a little less personal lol. Love you guys!!! :)