Seriously....I suck at blogging lol

So pretty much my title explains it all. I do, in fact, suck at blogging. I guess its a good thing though because I've actually been out living my life rather than writing about the things that I am waiting to have become a part of my future. BUT, here I am. Funny story actuallyas to how I got here. I had a pretty big day today so I'm still a little pumped up and I couldn't fall asleep so I started looking things up on youtube...awesome right??? lol I somehow came across a video of my high school graduation. Slightly nostalgic but mostly just weird. Anyway I then decided to google myself to see how important I am in internet world. Apparently I'm a hot commodity lol. No not really, but facebook has so graciously decided to give out a ton of my information to a bunch of random websites which makes my name appear a dozen or so times on google. In that, there were some things about a reflections contest I won back in middle school and some other contest-y type things AND then....my blog :) So I clicked on my blog link, thinking to myself, wow I'm adorable and my blog is even more adorable...duh ;) AND THEN I started reading my last blog. Bad idea, I wanted to throw up. Its deleted now so my whopping 5 people that read this hopefully wont even know what I'm talking about. But seriously, it was terrible. I was talking about being in love.....which I'm honestly not even sure if I was and whoever I was writing about (I know who I was talking about obviously but I'm doing my VERY best to forget this disgusting person) was NOT the person I thought he was. Its funny how many things someone can lie to you about in a long distance relationship lol. Honestly though as much I hate the things I've done and the experiences I've had ( particularly those I have dated) in the 2 years prior to about the end of May lol I FINALLY have decided to let it all go. Even reading my first blog I posted, I'm a completely different person than I was...which is good because I'm now 22 and I was only 20 back then. Reading things that you have written especially at pretty pivotal moments in your life gives you an awesome perspective on yourself, shocking no doubt, but really truly eye opening. Even though I repeatedly was saying that I didn't care who people wanted me to be I was going to finally just embrace myself and blah blah blah whatever. I STILL was trying to be something else. I was angry in that blog, which, given what was going on makes total sense, but I was still just trying to tell everyone I was ok rather than just being ok or figuring out how to be ok and working toward that. I can TRUTHFULLY say that NOW....I'm ok. I'm not dying (I don't think I was then...but I said I was trying not to die lol), I'm not dating horrible men, I'm not hanging out with low lifes, I'm doing what I want to do. But not necessarily the things that I just want in the moment. If that were the case I'd probably be in Hawaii right now with more tattoos than can fit on my body....NOT because thats really what I want to look like....I just like tattoos for some odd reason...and Hawaii, which probably won't go a way lol. Its ok though, I've found really good temporary ones lol. BUT I'm really back at church...like REALLY. I'm not just going through the motions of it, I'm actually doing it again and I am SO much happier. Like INFINITELY happier, I can't even really describe it. My family and I have a good relationship again. They aren't sitting there shaking their heads at me wondering where the heck my brain decided to go and I'm not sitting there wondering the same thing. I moved to Spokane with my mom and Dylan and it's honestly the best decision I've made since graduation. My ward is incredible, our house is beautiful, my sister is 5 minutes away from me, AND I'm coaching volleyball...at Dylan's high school, which is like a block away. Seriously, I think this (beside doing research and developement for skin care and cosmetics) my dream job. I love my girls, I get to play volleyball every day, I'm honestly doing what I do best....telling people what to do and motivating them to do better. Its seriously perfect for me lol. I get to be on a little bit of a power trip, but a good one, not a bad one. Really I think its just the fact that I get to help people and watch them improve. Its a job that I love going to every day. I would do it for free to be quite honest, but I get paid...and I'm making bank!!! Needless to say, everything is really good, its still hard obviously, and scary sometimes, but overall I'm happier than I ever have been. I finally feel like the things I'm doing, first of all, are positive things, but even more than that, they are encouraging me to grow. On top of that, I'm doing them because I WANT to. A few months back, when I would go to church or tell my mom that I wanted to get married in the temple and have an eternal life with my family...it sounded great, but I still was open to the idea of kind of being a wild child. I think I've found other ways of expressing that side of me which are a lot less damaging. But I've found those other ways because I have finally realized how much I was hurting myself. I finally want good and wholesome things to be in my life. I want to be happy and I know exactly how to get there and I'm doing it!!! Well really, I've already done it, but I'm continuing to do it. FYI eventually I'm going to have a blog that focuses on other things, mainly hair and makeup, but for now, I need to have a journal lol. Writing lyrics only gets so much emotion out. Blogging makes up for the rest. That being said, I think I'm done for the night. I'll save other juicy details for another blog later....that way I'll actually do it lol. I've got to figure out how to get this more public...later, when its a little less personal lol. Love you guys!!! :)

New Start

So I know its been forever since I have written anything. Things have been crazy....I recently moved back home to Bellevue, and despite the gloomy and depressing rain filled mornings and nights, I've actually been extremely happy. Maybe because I know longer am living paycheck to paycheck and going weeks at a time without having enough money to get gas....or food ahaha. Maybe because my brother and I get to run around like chickens with our heads cut off together again. Maybe because I missed my quirky family and my little cockeyed dog. Or maybe because somewhere deep within myself I actually missed the weather. Who knows? Things are absolutely fantastic though. I've had my hardships and trials and I pray every day that these last 6 months that have honestly been a living hell for me are over and done with for good. Hopefully I won't have to fall into a deep dark abyss to realize that I honestly like being up top where the sun can shine on my face ever EVER again. If anybody reads this....please just know. Its not worth it. I thought it would be fun and it was...for like 2 minutes. Then it was agony and sorrow, sleepless nights, crying until the sun came up, wondering why I had done that to myself. So....don't do it. Don't sacrifice the important things in life. SERIOUSLY ITS NOT WORTH IT! I promise you. Other than all that, I'm going back to school; I start in January and I'm sooooo exctited. I've started writing lyrics and music again. I just finished a song and Dylan and I are getting ready to start recording. My dad just needs to lay down some tracks and teach Dylan the guitar part. I also finally started my training for the half marathon I'm running on June 26th. I'm staying busy and I absolutely love it. I think thats it for now. I promise I'll be better about posting more often! <3

This is Me

So I've been told to blog for quite a while now since I apparently am an "interesting writer" but I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and attempt to think of things that would continue to make people believe that I could be interesting. I don't know why all of the sudden today seemed like a good day to start blogging...but it did, so here we go. Basically the last few months have been pretty hectic, between starting school at UVU, TRYING desperately to find a stupid job, and trying to keep myself alive... yep I'm pretty sure hectic is a good word lol. I did finally find a job and I LOVE IT!!!!!!! Who knew that I...Samantha Alice Papasian, would enjoy working. Go figure. I don't know why i love it so much but its really quite enjoyable. Maybe its because I get to do what I love most which would be...you guessed it...talking lol. Or maybe its because the girls that I work with are hilarious and extremely genuine, caring, and fun people. Or maybe it is because I get to watch people go about their lives and I get to feel like maybe I'm not the only one that doesn't know which direction to go in or how to continue on when you have no hope or faith that things will get better. You'd be surprised at how much people let their guard down and forget to hide their true colors when shopping. It is a little bit therapeutic for me though because, like I said before, I don't feel alone. I feel like the insecurities that I have are finally justified. I feel like the pain that I go through day to day isn't as bad because its normal, everybody feels some sort of pain. I feel like I can't complain anymore because there are people out there who are experiencing things 10 times worse than i could ever even imagine. I feel...normal. Of course life still sucks at times but it makes me feel like I'm not an outsider anymore. For the last 19 years of my life I've tried to fit in and was incredibly good at doing it. I played sports so I could be a jock, I sang so I could fit in with the artsy kids, I pretended like life didn't matter so I could hang out with my emo friends, I acted like I was pissed of at anything and everything and listen to loud angry music so I could hang out with the hard-assed kids, I had the beginnings of anorexia which later turned into bulimia (which I still am fighting) so that I could be looked at by men and be wanted, I bought expensive purses and jeans so I could be classified as a Bellevue bitch, I was in EVERY clique that ever existed in my high school and yet I didn't really have "good" friends because I was putting on this front and I never truly let anyone into my world. I'm slowly trying to change this. I learned that I have/had an issue with trusting people. I didn't understand that for a really long time though because I always felt like I was a very welcoming and open person...which i am, BUT that's another front, I do that so people will trust me so I can be close to them, but the second they get too close to me, I back off, I get scared, and I run away. I don't know why or where I learned to do this, but I did. It's a great defense mechanism but in the long run, its not really doing me any good. I've changed a lot since I moved out on my own though. I've had to become my own person and people have had to learn to like me for me, which surprisingly has attracted a lot more people into my life than when I was pretending. THIS IS THE REAL ME. I am a 19 year old girl that has just about the sweetest spirit that you could possibly find. I will do anything for YOU no matter who you are. If you need help I am the person that will be there. I thrive off of the happiness and welfare of others. I can guarantee that I care more about you than I do for myself. I am by no means naive but I'm also very innocent which for a long time I tried to hide, but it got me into trouble one night. It scared me to death to know that I had become the kind of girl that I NEVER wanted to be. I was weak and couldn't stand up for myself and gave in all because I wanted to be accepted and approved of. I should have been PROUD to say that I was innocent and was a "good" girl, not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed anymore, I'm not as innocent as I was but the rest of the innocence that still remains, I'm holding on to. I guess my point is to be proud of who YOU are and to stand your ground, keep your standards high, and DON'T give in. Its NOT worth it. I can finally say that I am proud of who I am, the kind, caring, loving, nurturing, creative, intelligent, fun, funny, strong willed, trustworthy, and honest girl that I am. This is who I am, take it or leave it.